Mary P. Jones on Sex Addiction - July 11, 2009
I came upon Mary's website, "A Room of Mama's Own" because I was doing some research on Sex Addition to write an article for my own website. I started reading her story (didn't stop until I'd read the very last word) and it had a profound effect on me. It stayed with me for several days. I kept going back to her experience with her husband (when she discovered he was a sex addict) and kept asking myself "How on earth did this woman get through this without losing her sanity?" I just could not wrap my mind around it. But it gave me such huge respect for her as a person, and admiration for her strength and determination to keep her marriage and family together.
I decided that instead of writing my own article about sex addiction, it would be more meaningful coming from someone who has experienced it first-hand someone who is truly an expert in this area. When I asked her if she'd do an interview with me, she was kind enough to agree. I struggled with my questions because I felt like I was delving so deeply into such an intimate part of someone's life. I wasn't used to doing that and I feared I was intruding and overstepping my boundaries but she didn't make me feel that way at all. Her answers are so honest, poignant and heartfelt and she readily answers them because she truly wants to help someone else who may be going through a similar situation. Here's her powerful story.
1. Mary, what influenced you to start a website which talks so honestly and candidly about your very private and personal journey in dealing with your husband and his addiction?
When I first found out that my husband my best friend and the man I loved and trusted beyond any other was a sex addict who had been hiding a lifetime of secrets, I felt horribly, profoundly alone. I opened up to other friends and found a huge well of support and love, but none of them had ever been through anything like what I was going through then. I went to the only 12-Step meeting for partners that was available in my area at the time, and while I found people who understood my anger and pain, I didn't find anyone I really connected with.
After a few years of working on my own healing, I decided that I wanted to find a way to share my story with a larger number of people so that others like me, who were in that very lonely place of early recovery, might not feel so alone. At the same time, I was thinking of starting a blog as a way of building a writing portfolio. Blogging seemed to be an ideal way to share my story while maintaining my personal anonymity, although the topic I picked quickly killed the idea of ever putting it on my resume!
2. What was your husband's reaction when you told him you'd be putting your story out there for the world to read about?
He was extremely supportive, and he's very proud of the site. I suspect all of the sharing he has done in 12-Step meetings has made him more comfortable with the concept of personal sharing as an act of healing. And he's definitely seen the positive results that my writing has brought, both in the friendships I've made through the blog as well as in my own healing and spiritual growth.
3. You were pregnant with your second child when you were going through some of the darkest days of your life (you had recently found out about your husband). I cannot imagine that. Tell me about that and how you dealt with it?
I was a stay-at-home mom, seven months pregnant with my second child when I discovered my husband's sex addiction. My older child was two at the time; he wasn't speaking, was having trouble eating and was in the process of being diagnosed with autism. Talk about stressful, right?
Yet I think that was also exactly what got me through it all. Knowing that I was pregnant with my daughter meant that her life very literally depended on me taking care of myself. I couldn't stop eating or start drinking myself into oblivion or physically harm myself without hurting her. And I knew that my son needed me. No one else (besides my husband and me) could understand his attempts at communication or could get him to eat. I had to get out of bed each morning and care for him. My children were a reminder to me that I needed to do my utmost to take the most extreme options off the table. Thinking about my responsibilities as their mother helped me recognize my craziest thinking for the insanity it was.
Beyond that I just muddled through the best I could. I cried a lot. I yelled a lot. I was deeply depressed. I didn't accomplish much other than getting out of bed in the morning and keeping all of us alive until the end of day, which really seemed like more than I could handle most days. Some memories stand out starkly, and those tend to be what I write about, but a lot of my memories (thankfully my brain is protecting me) remain hazy. I did some journaling at the time, but I'm still not ready to revisit it all quite yet.
4. You mentioned to me in one of our e-mails that you thought that there's a lot of faulty information out there about sex addiction. What do you mean by that?
Whew! There are a lot of misconceptions about sex addiction floating around, and I could write quite a bit about them, but will try to share what I think are the three most common.
Misconception 1: Sex addicts are people with strong libidos who love sex and enjoy having a lot of it.
The truth is that sex addiction isn't about enjoying sex any more than alcoholism is about savoring the taste of fine wine with a good meal. The term "sex addiction" actually covers a wide variety of self-medicating compulsive sexual behaviors that are usually highly ritualized and often tied to childhood abuse. Sex addicts are unable to stop their compulsive behavior on their own, even when it is harmful or painful.
Addicts usually have a specific acting out behavior or behaviors they prefer to engage in. So, while some sex addicts will fit the stereotype of having hundreds of sexual partners, others will refuse offers of sex with another person in favor of masturbation alone. Some will only have sex with prostitutes and will have little or no interest in other partners. Some sex addicts are virgins and have never had sex with a partner at all.
Misconception 2: "Sex addict" is another term for "sex offender" or pedophile, and all sex addicts are therefore dangerous.
Because compulsive sexual behavior can take many forms, it's true that a small subset of sex addicts are also sex offenders or pedophiles. However, vast numbers of sex addicts are non-violent, law-abiding citizens who engage in legal, consensual, (albeit unhealthy and compulsive) adult sexual behavior and present no danger to children or other members of their community.
Misconception 3: Recovering sex addicts are people who have been brainwashed by an uptight culture into pathologizing and trying to repress their healthy sexuality.
There have been (and still are) so many myths and misconceptions about healthy sexuality itself (think about "masturbation will make you go blind!"), that it can seem plausible that sex addiction is nothing more than a cultural hangup about "normal" healthy sexual behavior. However, sex addiction involves compulsively misusing sexual behavior in ways that are damaging to the addict and others. Sex addicts are unable to stop, in spite of negative consequences to their health, jobs and relationships.
To use a non-sexual example, regular hand washing is part of good health and hygiene, but when taken to an extreme by people who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, that same behavior is damaging to health and wellbeing. Likewise, masturbation is an enjoyable part of healthy sexuality for most people, but when a sex addict is unable to stop masturbating, in spite of bleeding and injury to sex organs, that same behavior is harmful to health and wellbeing.
For those who want to learn more, there's also a brief summary of what sex addiction is (and isn't) on my website along with links to additional information and resources: Click Here for That Information.
5. How do you feel that your website helps other women (and men) who are going through a similar situation?
I think my site helps most in allowing people to see that they are not alone in their problems or their pain and that there is hope of making it through those dark days. And it actually helps me in much the same way. No matter what I share, I almost always have someone write to say they've been there too. What a gift that is!
6. Do you find that sex addiction is predominantly a men's issue? Why or why not do you think that is?
Addiction of all kinds is more common in men than in women. I suspect that points to a genetic basis for addiction, but I don't personally have enough knowledge of biological sciences to truly back that speculation up with hard evidence. Still, while male sex addicts outnumber female sex addicts, there are many women who struggle with sexual addiction. Most female sex addicts (along with the vast majority of male sex addicts) were sexually abused as children. Not everyone who suffers childhood abuse becomes a sex addict (perhaps only those genetically predisposed to addiction do), but abuse does seem to play a central role for those who do.
7. You decided to stay in your marriage and make it work. Do you have any idea what the ratio is between couples who do end up staying together versus those who dont? Give me your thoughts on this.
I don't know that there are any statistics on this, but what I've seen anecdotally is that most couples, even those who initially try to work things out, don't end up together. I suspect this is in part because sex addition can seem so personal and intimate. Many partners are so deeply hurt that they have to leave the relationship in order to heal. In addition, many marriages have problems beyond sex addiction from issues with communication to outright physical abuse and may have other areas of conflict from finances to relationships with in-laws to religious beliefs. Discovering sex addiction can be the final straw in an already contentious and faltering marriage.
And even if the injured partner wants to work things out and the couple doesn't have any other problems to deal with, both people have to be ready and willing to do the lifelong, intensive therapy and recovery work needed to deal with the addiction. No one can single-handedly fix a relationship, so if either partner denies the existence or minimizes the severity of the problem, or is unwilling to work on it, the relationship as a whole will fail. Add to all of that the need for a support system for each partner, as well as the marriage as a whole, and you can see why so few couples end up staying together.
My husband and I were extremely lucky that when the details of his sex addiction came to light, we didn't have any other major issues in the relationship. We were both willing and able to work on it and we were able to get lots of good help and support. There are no guarantees that our marriage won't fail at some point down the road, but for now it is working and we are happy and grateful to be together.
8. What one piece of advice do you have for women out there who are currently going through this painful, life-changing experience?
Get help and support! I know I didn't want to have to work on me or "my part"; I wanted my husband to fix what I felt he broke in our marriage. But the truth was, even though I was not responsible for his addiction or the behaviors he engaged in, I was still really hurting as a result of them. And while he could do his part to deal with his own problems, he couldn't heal my hurt for me. I did need help. And the help I got healed more hurts than just what came as the result of his behavior. It's been wonderful.
There is help available through therapy (including Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, through local counseling programs for addicts and their partners, through COSA or S-Anon 12-Step meetings for partners of sex addicts, or through religious or spiritual communities. One therapist even suggested a grief support group, since I was grieving the loss of the marriage and the husband I thought I had. I'm a big believer in trying a lot of different things and finding what works for you.
Mary, this information is so powerful and I cannot express enough my appreciation for your time and your willingness to share. As a last thought, is there anything else you'd like add?
Yes, like everything from masturbation to hand washing, lingerie and sex toys can be used in healthy ways or compulsive ones. They can be a great way to explore our sexuality, feel good about our bodies and have fun with sex. However, purchasing lingerie or sex toys in response to pressure or threats (either direct or implied) can be an indication of an abusive or addictive relationship. Like any addict, sex addicts need to escalate their behavior over time to achieve the same high. Feeling a constant need to engage in new and greater feats of sexual creativity and daring just to keep a partner's interest (or your own!) can be a sign of an unhealthy, possibly addictive, dynamic in a relationship. If you feel uncomfortable, pressured or unsure of your ability to maintain your partner's interest without a steady supply of new tricks and performances, don't stew in doubt and shame. Please talk to someone about it, preferably a neutral third party like a therapist, who can help you work through your fears and anxieties to achieve a healthier, happier sex life.
