Dean Osborne on "Signs of a Cheater" - July 18, 2009
I recently met Dean Osborne who owns a website called "Signs Of a Cheater.com" and decided I wanted to do an interview with him because infidelity is a subject that so many people have been affected by (whether directly or indirectly). I believe his website offers a wide variety of information and ideas to help those who find themselves a victim of infidelity and looking for some answers, help and support. I have always been a believer that once someone is a cheater they can never change. However, after reading Dean's story I do believe that it's possible for some people to change their priorities and stop the cycle of cheating. I wanted to share his experience and knowledge with you as I found his story to be fascinating and I enjoyed hearing a man's perspective. I'm sure you will too.
Hello Dean. I want to thank you for taking the time to answer some questions for me. I love your website! It contains so much good information for those who are either (a) wondering if their partner is cheating, (b) have discovered it to be true or (c) assisting a friend or loved one who is looking for some help in this area. You have fabulous, informative articles and great resources where one can go to for advice and information.
1. Dean, tell me a little bit about why you decided to create a website about cheating and infidelity.
Once upon a time, I lived a life full of cheating and deceit. It started in high school and continued right into my college years. I felt that if I was good enough at cheating, then no one would be hurt and I would have my cake and eat it too.
As it still is today within the "guys circle", if you are able to "juggle" more than one girl at a time, then you are looked upon as a "player" or a "pimp", which is a good thing in that world.
Well, during my college years I was heading out on the town one night with the guys as my girlfriend stayed home by herself. This was about 14 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday! I was driving my little green Tercel loaded up with my friends when I had to make a stop at a gas station in South Beach because my oil light came on.
I remember we were so excited, and we decided to use the stop as a time to purchase some beer in an effort to get the night started early. Shortly after we got back on the road, I remember my friend who was sitting in the front passenger seat scream out and lean towards me.
I was only able to quickly glance to the right to see an SUV about to plow into us, and plow it did. Our accident happened at 10:42 p.m. and it made the lead story on our local news station live as they tried to cut us out of our entangled mess with the "Jaws of Life".
They say sometimes things happen for a reason, and the only reason I could think of was God telling me to "slow down Dean". That night was a turning point in my life.
A few months after my accident I found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me. What! How could this be? They say Karma is strong, and indeed it is. Despite all the cheating I had done, I was devastated when I found out.
I never imagined the amount of pain I would endure after finding out, and it took me over a year to get back on my feet again. The experience taught me a valuable lesson. Coupled with my "near fatal" night I had a new look on life and relationships.
I started visiting forums and posting about cheating and infidelity, and something amazing happened. I started getting emails from other forum members thanking me for my opinion and advice.
Paula, as you know SBI made it easy to start a website, and "Signs Of a Cheater.com" was born as a way to reach others that were possibly experiencing the pain I had once felt.
2. After reading your website, I most definitely consider you an expert on the subject of cheating. Can you share with my readers why YOU consider yourself an expert?
Expert? I would just say that I had A LOT of practice deceiving my past girlfriends, so I know just what someone should look out for when they are trying to figure out if they are being cheated on.
I also, got my heart crushed to a point that I didn’t know what to do. I felt so lost, I stopped paying my bills. I had no zest for life at all during that recovery period after learning that my girlfriend had cheated on me.
So to answer your question, being someone that has been on both sides of the fence gives me a unique perspective that I can use to help others.
3. We hear an awful lot in the news about cheating, affairs and failed relationships today. Do you think there's more of it happening now or is the subject more "out in the open" than it once was?
That’s a very interesting question! If I use my life as an example, I would say that cheating is the same as it was before. I truly think you hit the nail on the head when you say it’s more "out in the open".
We are in a unique time now, where we can deliver news faster than the conventional media can with outlets like Twitter and camera phones readily available.
A good recent example is Jon from "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" getting caught because of all the publicity his show has brought him. Back in the day, he would be secretly doing his thing, with a lot less eyes watching.
4. You share on your website some "signs" that your partner might be cheating. Can you give me maybe the top two or three?
When I give advice I routinely bundle my "top signs" into one group, which is to monitor their technology. The cheater has to find an outlet to communicate with their lover, and if their physical schedule it tight, then they will need the use of technology to reach them.
For some this will be by text messages, others will take that evening walk with their cell phone as their time to get away, and still others will use the computer.
I truly believe that you wouldn’t need all the other signs if you are able to hone in on their technology use. Of course, the more information you have the better judgment you will be able to make.
5. Dean, in your opinion, what is the ratio of relationships that survive a cheating partner as opposed to relationships that fail? Why do you think that is?
Honestly, I don't sort through stats too much because I know they are so flawed. I think if there was a "Lie-o-meter" above everyone's head when they were asked if they ever cheated, the statistics would be mind boggling!
But since you asked, I would say over 90 percent of relationships with couples together less than 5 years would fail if a partner found out about the other’s infidelity. The ones that make it are the couples that got together when things were different or those that have been together for double digit years.
I think with those extra years, they are able to assess their partner not just on their sexual decisions but, on the complete person they are. Not to mention, the time investment!
6. We've all heard the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater". What do you think about this? Can a cheater change his/her ways?
I have a page on this, and I don’t need to go any further than my own personal life to know that someone can change their actions.
Cheating is still a "choice" that people make, and if you see life from a different perspective it is easy to make better choices.
7. How do you think the Internet plays into all of this? Is it easier to meet someone to cheat with because of the many online sources available? Is it possible to cheat on your spouse using the Internet alone (without physically meeting the person)? Please give us your thoughts on this.
This plays into my "monitor their technology" theory. The internet has opened up so many doors of temptation. You can literally log on Saturday afternoon, meet someone online and meet that person Saturday night if you know where to look.
I think that if you are interacting with someone online, in a deceitful, sexually driven fashion then that is just as bad as cheating. The deceit alone could crush the other partner.
8. You mention on your website that there are people who go outside of their marriage to get sexual satisfaction and that they swear it keeps their marriage together. What do you personally think about this?
After reading so many articles and stories about relationships as research, one thing I know is that relationships are complicated, each one has unique circumstances.
Despite my website, I do not judge anyone whether they are the cheater or the one being cheated on. On one of my polls, I get plenty of emails stating that "they are considering cheating" because they do not get any affection despite crying out for it.
Relationships involve two people, and both parties have a commitment to try to fulfill their partner’s life. Sometimes a partner gets neglected and they step out of their marriage to fulfill their needs so that they can stay married to the person they committed their life to. Is that better than just leaving them?
Do I think this is right? Obviously not but I do think neither party of the relationship should take the other one for granted. The more you do, the higher the chances your relationship stands of being affected by cheating.
Keep doing the little things you did when you first met to help "affair proof" your relationship!
9. What is the first piece of advice that comes to mind for a person who feels that they are possibly being cheated on? What should their first step be?
The first thing I would say is to take time to analyze your relationship. Take a step back and objectively look into your relationship. Honestly ask yourself, "Is there any reason why your significant other would want to cheat?"
Next, take time to gather the details or actions that brought the negative thoughts to your head. Is there a pattern that has developed that was never there before?
By analyzing your relationship, sometimes you are able to realize that your partner is asking you for time to be able to just get out, harmlessly. I have a friend that sneaks out of work early to play poker with the guys. Is he cheating? Absolutely not, but if his actions were discovered it may look as if he was cheating.
I think communication is a key. You should be able to talk calmly and openly without accusations as to what you are feeling about your relationship. If it is someone that cares about the relationship as well, then the response should be a receptive one as long as you are not accusing them of cheating right off the bat.
If after your talk nothing changes in the way you feel about being cheated on, then you take the next step in closely monitoring his actions. You may even need to make notes (possibly at work so they won’t find them) of his shady actions and excuses you are given so that you can refer back to them to piece things together when needed.
