Casual Sex. The Differences Between Men and Women

Casual Sex

While casual sex certainly isn't for everyone, there's something to be said for a "no strings-attached" hot, electrifying, mind-blowing (and maybe forbidden) night of steamy, raw sex. Even for those who have never participated in such an experience, often times it's the object of the books we read and even our own personal fantasies. It's certainly provocative to think about isn't it?

Who are the people who engage in casual sex on a regular basis and how is it working for them (or not)? In my circle of girlfriends there's a variety of attitudes about it. I have some friends who have just NEVER been into it – it doesn't interest them in the least (never has, never will). These ladies are more interested in being in a committed relationship before they have sex with someone. At that point, they enjoy sex very much (at least until the relationship goes sour). We all know that, as women, when we're not getting along with someone, sex is the last thing on our minds.

Then I have one friend who, honestly, can have casual sex just like some men. If she's physically attracted to someone, she goes for it (and never looks back). She can walk away afterwards and not blink an eye. If the guy doesn't call her back, she's just fine (after all there are lots of other attractive fish in the sea). In fact, when she does get the occasional call back, she usually ignores it (unless the sex was too good to pass up for a second time around). She's just not looking for complications that relationships can sometimes bring. The stories we get to hear about the fabulous casual sex she's having (with a few exceptions) are definitely something to look forward to when we all get together for girls' night out.

But the majority of my friends (and many of the ladies I meet at my lingerie parties) are somewhere in between these two scenarios when it comes to their thoughts (and actions) regarding casual sex. Some of them have tried it and enjoyed it but usually don't want a steady diet of it. Others have tried it once and decided they'd never do it again because it didn't do much for them or they decided it left them with an empty feeling (or other emotional repercussions). Other women do it for awhile and then just get bored with it because it seems shallow. They move on and look for a situation with a stronger emotional attachment.

Also, there are times when women want and need sex but aren't looking for a more meaningful relationship. Going through a break-up is one of these times. Casual sex might be just what the doctor ordered when you aren't ready for a commitment just yet. Or maybe you're just too busy right now (with your career or life in general) to search for a long-term relationship but don’t want to deprive yourself sexually.

I've had quite a few women tell me that they just love sex and they enjoy "playing the field" until Mr. Right comes along. They tell me they ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT have sex with someone right away if they see that person as a possible long-term partner. But if they don't, then all bets are off. It's a night of fun, guilt-free, casual sex for them.

If you've already tried casual sex, I'm assuming you know where you stand and if it works for you or not. However, if it's something you're contemplating doing (for whatever reason), there are certainly some things you need to consider.

For many people (especially women), engaging in sex with someone (even if it's casual) can make you find yourself wishing for an emotional attachment with that person after all. Sex is one of the most intimate, vulnerable things we can possibly share with someone. Sometimes it's impossible to avoid those feelings (they can creep into your psyche when you least expect). When these feelings aren't reciprocated by the other person it can be upsetting.

You have to be ready for this possibility and decide how you will handle it if and when it happens. When it comes right down to it, most women are "wired" for closeness and bonding. Many men can have casual sex without feeling any remorse afterwards (in fact lots of men thrive very nicely on it). As much as women try to be more like men in this arena, it's very difficult for the majority of them.

Ladies, if you're contemplating getting your "shag" on just for the heck of it (for whatever reason), there's a few things that you might want take into consideration before that one-night stand happens (remember there may never be a second or third night). Be prepared for that possibility. After all casual sex is not for the faint of heart.

Pick the Right Partner.

This is very important! Beware of considering a fling with a friend. No matter how casual, sex IS going to change things between you. There's no getting around it and you need to be prepared for that. If you don't want to risk losing that person as a friend and you love your friendship the way it is, reconsider this avenue. The "friends with benefits" scenario many times leaves one of the parties with hurt feelings and regret.

At the other end of the spectrum, beware of taking a complete stranger home for the evening. You don't want to get yourself into a situation with someone you know absolutely nothing about. Bad things can happen.

A happy medium would be to find someone you're attracted to and know a little something about. Even though you find them sexually attractive, make sure they're someone you could never see yourself with in a long-term situation (for whatever reason). Maybe your lifestyles and personalities don't mesh or maybe their long-term goals don't coincide with yours. These things don't have to keep you from "hooking up" for some delicious, thrilling sex. However, consider the fact that he might not call again for awhile after your "encounter". Are you going to be okay with that?

Keep it Respectful.

I believe it's important to keep it honest and upfront. Put it all out on the table before the clothes start coming off. After all, there's always the risk that your partner develops deeper feelings for you after it's all over (anything is possible and yes it does happen). Make sure that you both have an understanding that this is casual sex and you want nothing more from it than a great time with no strings attached. If you don't want to feel used, then be sure you aren't giving the other person that same feeling. Be open and disclose your intentions.

Practice Safe Sex!

Okay, now you're going to get the safe sex lecture from me. Just because you're embarking on casual sex doesn't mean you can throw all caution to the wind. You might feel you "know" something about this person (if you’ve taken my advice and chosen your person wisely), but unless you're aware of their complete sexual history (and have seen their medical records), make sure you use condoms. Don't expect the other person to come to the "party" fully prepared every time. Ladies, if you're having casual sex, carry your own condoms with you at all times (they fit nicely into any sized purse). I can't stress this enough. Just because you think he's a really nice guy with great friends and family, doesn't mean you should have unprotected sex with him. Be responsible with your body.

Can Casual Sex Turn Into a Relationship?

Absolutely! It can and does happen. While you should never go into a casual sex situation expecting to "live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset", there are times when one (or both) of the partners do develop feelings for the other. However, if you find yourself in this situation, consider a few things before officially calling it a "serious relationship".

How much time have the two of you spent doing other activities (that don't involve toe-tingling orgasms)? If the answer is "little to none", then try "dating" for awhile and keep the emphasis off sex temporarily. See if you're really compatible in other ways. Do you believe in the same things? Have you met each other's friends? Do you have some common interests (besides the obvious one)?

Have the reasons that you both initially agreed to say "casual" actually changed now? Remember, sometimes people get into purely physical situations because they aren't ready yet for an emotional commitment. Maybe you or your partner just broke up or got divorced. Are you really ready yet for something more serious? These are some things to explore and talk about with each other. It can be tricky to go backwards in a relationship but it has been done. In fact, I have a friend who's been married to her husband for 15 years and she said they started out as a casual "fling". He was someone she would never have seen herself settling down with in a million years. So go figure!

The key here is not to make a habit of "connecting" on a casual basis in hopes that it might turn into something more. The odds really are against you if you do.

Can Casual Sex Be Harmful?

Yes. I've talked to many women about this and gotten several different honest answers. Some women feel that casual sex affects their self-esteem in a negative way. Others say that it makes them feel less attractive and leaves them feeling empty, lonely, used and unappreciated. They liked that moment of temporary intimacy they felt during the sexual act, but when the partner got up to leave and didn't call, it left them feeling desperate and anxious.

On a more serious (and dangerous) level, sometimes when people (especially women) have been in a series of casual relationships (where they've separated the sex act from the intimacy), they have problems later with connecting the two. They may find someone with whom they feel an emotional connection, but they just can't seem to find a sexual attraction for the person.

So (ladies especially), before you decide to play the game, consider the rules and ask yourself the tough questions. If it's something you think you're up for, then get out there and have some fun! If not, then you need to consider foregoing casual sex and wait until you find someone who wants a deeper connection.