Cancer, Your Sexuality and Your Relationship

Breast cancer has recently affected one of my family members, so it's been on my mind a lot lately. Since I work with women regarding their sexuality, I've decided that it might be interesting and helpful to do an article about how this disease affects women and their intimacy in their relationships.

With the alarming breast cancer statistics (approximately 1 out of 8 women will be affected), many women are currently dealing with the physical, emotional and psychological challenges that this life-threatening disease (and the treatments for it) can bring.

I talk a lot about sexual relationships in my business and I'm always stressing that it can be challenging at times to keep that special spark going even under normal circumstances. When a woman discovers she has cancer and then goes through the difficult stages to treat it, it can put a huge strain on her desire and/or ability to be intimate with her partner. Sometimes it's a real trial just to find the energy to have sex, let alone worry about finding a spark.

Cancer and its treatments can change the way a woman feels about herself and her body (see body image). She may tend to avoid physical contact with her partner because she feels like she's less of a woman. This could be caused from surgeries that have changed her physical appearance (such as a mastectomy or skin scarring from the incision). She may lose her hair from having to undergo chemotherapy. All of this can cause her to feel less attractive and desirable and as a result, may weaken her confidence and self-esteem.

In addition, chemotherapy can cause the ovaries of a premenopausal woman to shut down (meaning no estrogen is being produced). As a result, her body goes through early menopause which brings on its own set of physical problems, one of which is vaginal dryness. This can cause pain and discomfort during intercourse, making the experience a negative one for the woman (as well as for her partner) and heighten her feelings of inadequacy.

Estrogen is not the only hormone that the body stops producing. Testosterone levels also decrease which can curb a woman's desire for sex (her libido). Other libido busters caused by cancer treatments might include nausea/vomiting, fatigue, pain, irritability, mood swings, depression and anxiety.

Cancer patients struggle with a roller-coaster of emotions such as worry, fear, anger, loneliness, sadness, gratitude, happiness and elation. They may be concerned about their relationship and how their illness is affecting their partner's feelings for them.

Communicate With Your Partner If You Can

Honest communication with your partner regarding how you feel can be very valuable and can bring you closer together. Most men don't understand the physical and emotional changes you're going through unless you relay those to them. You might just find that the changes in your body are bothering you much more than they're bothering him.

Opening the lines of communication can make the situation less awkward and help him feel informed and give him a better understanding about how he can help. If you keep your concerns bottled up inside, he may feel confused, unloved and rejected. Remember this is a very difficult time for him as well. He's faced with the possibility of losing you completely. That isn't easy for anyone.

Encourage him to take an active part in your treatments. Have him to go your appointments with you if at all possible. His presence can give you strength and will also give him an understanding and a sense of compassion he might not have had otherwise. Feeling loved and supported will certainly help give you strength to get through your ordeal.

Ways to Increase Intimacy

Being intimate doesn't always mean having sex. Being affectionate with each other in other ways can bring you even closer together. Hugging, holding hands, touching, cuddling, kissing, massaging, caressing or simply talking are all ways to build and keep a strong connection during this difficult time.

Build your self esteem by doing things that are healthy and nourishing for your body. Eat nutritious, wholesome food. Try getting some exercise (check with your doctor to make sure you don't overdo this). Mingle with nature (i.e., take walks in the park, go to the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shore). Do small things to try and look your best (this is as much for you as it is for your partner).

Invest in some products that might make intimacy with your partner easier. For instance, buy a good quality water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness during sex. Also, purchase a vaginal moisturizer to use in between times to help balance the dryness out.

Experiment with some nice lingerie to help you feel sexier and to perhaps cover the parts of your body that you're feeling uncomfortable with. In addition, try to schedule lovemaking during a time when you're less tired and have some energy.

If pain during sex is an issue because of your illness, plan ahead of time by taking painkillers. Just be sure to check with your doctor to make sure it's safe to have sex.

Support and Professional Help

Even if you have great communication with your partner (which some women don't), you still need to be able to talk about what you're going through. It helps to reduce the fear and the feelings of helplessness. If you have supportive family and friends, that's a great place to start. Use them. It also helps them feel closer to you.

Support groups of women who are experiencing the same thing can be very powerful. It helps to know you're not the only one and that there are others who have the same trial and tribulations as you. It's great for reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Check with your breast center and/or your doctor to get resources and referrals if you need someone to talk to on a professional level. There are social workers, sex therapists and psychotherapists who specialize in helping breast cancer survivors. There are many great resources on-line as well.

Conclusion

Your sexual intimacy is an important life-affirming reality. If its energy is positive, it can contribute so much to the quality of your life. It can help heal, strengthen and vitalize your very existence. Make sure you seek support and communicate your needs regarding sex during and after cancer treatment. The experience may very well end up strengthening the bond with your partner and help you both obtain a new appreciation for life and love.