Ruth Purple on "You Can Get Him Back" - September 22, 2009
In my continuing search for interesting, quality information to bring to my website readers, I discovered Ruth Purple who is the owner of a website entitled "Relazine.Com" . Ruth is a certified relationship coach and I decided that doing an interview with her would be perfect for my site. So many people are looking for answers in this area of their lives and if they're not they know someone who is. She also offers dating tips for single people.
Her mission is to "Coach people and create the right conditions for a stable and compassionate relationship." Ruth's desire to help people with their relationships began while she was pursuing a psychology degree in college. She found that she had a knack for understanding people and a deep desire to see people be truly happy. She inadvertently became the campus matchmaker and love adviser. She began to see that she was truly helping people succeed with their love lives and felt deeply satisfied at the happiness she helped people create for themselves. Up to that point she had never thought of this "gift" as a career path, but decided that she wanted to pursue it. As a result, she also took advanced studies in human behavior and relationships in addition to her psychology degree studies. After graduating from college she became an official certified relationship coach and hasn't looked back! I hope you enjoy finding out more about her and that you visit her website to see what it has to offer.
1. Ruth, you are the author of an e-book entitled "You Can Get Him Back; Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity". My first reaction to this title was "Why on earth would you want him back if he's been unfaithful to you"? Can you talk a little bit about why you wrote this book and the reactions you've gotten from others?
First of all Paula, allow me to thank you for taking notice of "Relazine.Com" . It’s a privilege to be included in your website.
Now, going back to your question “You Can Get Him Back, Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity” is truly a controversial e-book. I've received tons of negative as well as positive comments and reactions. Your reaction is the usual and most common reaction I get about the e-book. But on the other hand, I've also received gratitude e-mails for sharing the guidelines on how to properly handle infidelity because the system really works. The e-book is actually more than winning your man back from infidelity. It is mostly about getting yourself back from the betrayal and understanding infidelity. After understanding and knowing the facts about it, you decide if you still want him back. Yes, the e-book has powerful information to help you assess if you really want him back or not. I have always believed that in order to win from any situation, may it be in relationships or work, you should not only be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses but the detractors as well. And in this case the detractor is your partner’s infidelity. This is what the e-book is all about. Understanding yourself and infidelity (winning your partner back is just the sure reward!)
This is the main reason why I wrote this e-book. It devastates me to see families break down and watch an arduously established relationship go to waste because of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Correcting a mistake with another mistake is the never the right way to deal with complications. I believe in exhausting possible solutions to save a relationship.
2. I think the biggest issue that men and women have in a relationship is the inability to communicate effectively. We both see things so completely differently (it's that Venus/Mars thing). Do you have a couple of quick tips for couples who want to learn better communication skills? Where would they begin?
I totally agree with you, Paula. Better communication is truly an unending quest between the two sexes. Men and women really have different interpretations of things. And if couples could only “practice” the art of communication, relationships would be a lot less complicated. I’m sure that the statistical rate of infidelity and divorce would profoundly decrease.
I have a couple of quick tips if you want to learn better communication skills, but you can only attain better or even perfect communication skills if you begin communicating to yourself. I don’t mean to sound philosophical but that is a fact. It’s like the cardinal rule in loving, before you love someone you need to learn to love yourself first. How can you give love when you don’t have love within you, right? If you know how to communicate within yourself, you will have a better awareness and understanding of your own issues. Hopefully understanding your own issues will result in resolving them. Once you have resolved your own personal issues, only then can you learn to communicate better with your partner or lover. Because, believe it or not, it is our own personal and unresolved issues that obstruct us from truly communicating and listening to our partner. These issues blind us, deafen and make us aloof of our feelings and make us less sympathetic to our partner. Listening to yourself and resolving destructive personal issues are the fundamental formula to have better communication. Learn to perfect these formulas. Remember the acronym LISTEN.
L- Listening. Talk only when your partner is done talking.
I- Initiate communication. Be the one to break the ice if there is an emotional barrier.
S- Start with your own feelings. Instead of saying “You are insensitive and inconsiderate” say “I feel taken for granted when you…”
T- Timing. Postpone the talk when your partner had a rough day or is stressed out. Create an atmosphere which is conducive to talking. Avoid locations with distractions and interruptions.
E- Empathize.
N- Never shout, nag and curse.
3. What are your thoughts on saving certain relationships (or not)? Do you ever have people come to you, explain what's happening in their relationship and you decide that the relationship just needs to end? In other words do you ever have the opinion that the relationship is not worth putting any effort into it? Or do you think every relationship is worth working on?
Every relationship is worth saving unless there is a form of abuse. Whether it is verbal, economical, emotional, sexual, psychological or physical abuse, if one is present and existing in the relationship then it’s time to head for the door. If the relationship damages you as a person and prevents you from functioning as a good human being then it’s not worth being involved in that kind of relationship. That is why it’s essential for one person to be aware of the threshold of their self-respect. This helps them put the limitations between them and their romantic affair. Being conscious of the threshold of one’s self-respect is the most accurate gauge if their relationship is working for them or not.
4. I see that you have an "Ask Ruth" section on your site where people can send you questions about their relationships. What a fabulous idea! What are the types of questions you receive? Are there certain issues that stand out to you - issues that seem to be more prevalent than others (i.e. cheating, lack of sex, neglect, etc.)?
Indeed, my “Ask Ruth” sub-page is a great idea. I have always wanted my readers to feel at home, to be able to relate and not feel alone on my site. I've received a lot of questions since we first launched “Ask Ruth” almost a month ago. I've gotten questions from “how to approach a woman", "breaking up” to “infidelity”. I should say that infidelity is the prevalent question, but the question that stood out for me was the question from Sharon who had a 7 year relationship but it didn’t work out because her boyfriend decided to prioritize his ambition. I felt a “pang” of pain when I read her question. Seven years is a very long time to be in a relationship. I can feel her pain. I've had my fair share of broken hearts, too. I know that you will be able to come through it but when you are there in that moment, it is unbearable. That is why when you live through a terrible heartache, you come out emotionally polished. You come out better and wiser.
5. I see you help people with dating issues as well. I have several girlfriends who have been through the Internet dating experience and I think I've heard everything. Their stories have been sad, funny, enlightening and depressing. What are your opinions on Internet dating as opposed to meeting someone in the more traditional ways?
When it comes to dating, I’m old school. I love meeting someone in a traditional way, where you get to know and meet your date up close and personal. View it this way, it’s hard enough to trust a person in the “traditional” way, let alone if there is no physical presence. But now I’m starting to loosen up. Internet dating is making a revolution in the dating scene and I know some couples who meet through the Internet that are now having a meaningful relationship.
6. Your website offers advice for people in so many different areas of their relationships. I even found a section entitled "Terrible Reasons to Get Married". What percentage of people do you think get married for the wrong reasons and how do you think that contributes to the high divorce rate in this country?
There are no exact figures on how many people get hitched for the wrong reasons, because, frankly speaking, if you go out and take a survey about that, you rarely get a truthful answer. So, we based our study according to the Marriage Statistics from US Census Bureau. Their study shows that the ratio of Marriage to Divorce is 2 is to 1. This means that while 100 couples decide to make their union official, 50 couples decide to officially end it. Getting married for the wrong reasons is a huge factor in the high divorce rate of the country. That’s because your reasons for going to the matrimonial bed are your foundation. You need to have the right footing in this kind of matter. Marriage is a life long decision and a very serious matter. It is sacred and beautiful. It's comprised of unselfishness and compromise. If you get yourself involved with selfish motives then you are bound to hurt yourself and the people who matter to you.
7. I am in the business of helping women with the intimate part of their relationships (especially those who are finding sex boring and need some "spice" - so to speak). What percentage of people come to you with problems about the sexual aspect of their relationships? What type of coaching do you provide to couples who need some help in this area?
Roughly 40% of people come to me to share their bedroom problems. When it comes to sexual issues, I usually advise couples to let go of their inhibitions, to try new things, to explore and experiment, to communicate more about sex.
Furthermore, I make couples understand that women usually lose their interest in sex because they are neglected emotionally. And if women have pent-up emotional issues about their partner, their sexual performance is directly affected. While for men, sex is a need. It is genetically encoded in their DNA so it's a necessity. This combination can result in a terrible outcome to their union. The only way to settle this is, again, through open communication. So, mostly my coaching involves deep communication with each other in order to break the invisible wall that hinders them to have fun and have mind-blowing sex.
8. I like that you also work with gay and lesbian couples. How do you find it different to coach couples who are in same-sex relationships? In your opinion, do they have different issues (or not) than hetero-sexual couples?
Based on my experience, gays and lesbians are more open-minded about their relationships. They usually know where they stand. They are not afraid to get out of the “relationship norm” and create their own “relationship rules” that can work for them, which, I believe, is very healthy. Hetero-sexual couples are more inclined to follow the “norms”, even if they are uncomfortable with them. Like, for example, the wife should do this and the husband should do that… The challenge that gays and lesbians have are typically from society and their respective families. They usually come to me for coaching on how to tell their parents about coming out. Other than that it’s the regular issues about compromises and communications.
9. Ruth, in addition to your amazing website, you also offer a free weekly newsletter to anyone who wishes to sign up! I just signed up to start receiving it and I'm excited to see what you have to say. What types of things can we expect to see each week in your newsletter?
Thank you, Paula for signing up for my weekly newsletter. Again I am grateful. Expect that my future newsletters will be interesting, controversial and informative at the same time. We are actually brainstorming right now on how to further improve the site. We will be overhauling its appearance and make it more fun and interactive.
